Heartburn, Sleepy Eyes & A Burning Thought

Why do I always want to write late at night?

I had a strange dream last night and at first I thought of writing in a notebook, which I rarely do, but instead thought, "hey why not publicize it on the Internet?" So, here I am...recovering from a cold, coming down off of a "Rice Dream" (vegan ice cream) binge at nearly 1 a.m. on a Thursday.

In this dream I was at Rinpoche's temple, although it looks nothing like it in actuality, but it's one of those things you know to be true in a dream, even when things don't match up. So I was helping a woman I've never seen before get ready to lead the sangha in chanting, when she turned to me and said, "you go" and pushed me out there to lead it instead. Surprised, I sat down in front of the community and Rinpoche and stared at the book with the Heart Sutra in it. I had this fear welling up inside that all eyes were on me and that I'd better get it right. I turned the page in the book, but saw that the words were not correct. I looked to Rinpoche and he smiled and said, "oh, it's okay" and a few people around me scrambled to find a better version. In the meantime, I'm trying to just go off of memory and recite the sutra (which I know word for word in real life), but as I start to say it the words just don't come out. I'm sitting up there thinking, why can't I remember this?

I stand up and apologize and leave. Not in a dramatic way, I just say, "I can't do this" and walk out of the temple completely. Then, next thing I know I'm scooping water from a bowl with my hand and pouring it over my head, in my mouth and on my heart, saying, "may my body, speech and mind be purified, I confess all wrongdoings." Then, I have this moment of clarity. I think to myself- Caroline, you're dreaming right now and making a confession in your dream. I laugh.

Then I got up and other things happened that I can't remember, but nothing stood out like these two scenes.

I have a lot of vivid dreams, but some stick with me more than others, especially when Rinpoche's in them.

Now, I must sleep...and see what dreamland has to offer me this time around.