A Reminder

I'm sitting in my childhood home in Virginia.

This room holds many memories, both in photos and in my mind.  Memories of a variety of ups and downs I have experienced during these (almost) 29 years.  Laughter, tears, disappointment, anger, exhilaration, pain, joy, worry, excitement, anticipation....I remember playing dress up as a child in the very spot where I dress as an adult now.  Life really is so precious.  This body, which I groom and feed and cherish is decaying each moment--it's not morbid to think about, it's simply a fact.  How will I use my remaining time in this life?  What choices will I make?  Each moment I fall into judgement, negativity, anger, selfishness, jealousy....how will that come to fruition?

It's 5 days prior to my 29th birthday and my fiance is sitting in India, both of us patiently waiting to hear if his visa has been granted.  My family is healthy and accepting of where I am in life.  My career is starting to organically flourish, my roots in the Bay area are really growing and I have an ever-expanding group of wonderful friends.

My life is really amazing.

Yet, I'm noting that life is an ocean with waves of up and down...that having a still mind is what enables clarity during those lows--and the highs as well. I am cherishing these moments for they will naturally change, maybe for "better," maybe for "worse." Can I learn to cherish them all? Can I view "obstacles" as "opportunities?"

I SO wanted Karma to be here by now. I wanted him to spend this time with me here in Virginia--to meet my family and to celebrate my birthday. Now I'm seeing this "disappointment" as an opportunity to have alone time with my family and friends.  As I am about to enter into marriage, this opportunity may not come along too often again. So, I am grateful.

I had an amazing experience at my dance class this week.  There was an older woman who looked like she's in chemotherapy (no hair, bandana, sunken eyes...) dancing next to me.  As we skipped around the room, I had this overwhelming urge to just hug her.  I wanted to take any pain that she was feeling onto myself. I had tears in my eyes welling up, but I fought them back.  I thought to myself, I am really no different than her.  I am dying--just not so overtly.  What a gift she has given me to remind me of how precious this life really is.

Later in the class, when we went to grabbed our free weights, she and I made eye contact and we exchanged the most heartfelt smiles.  I felt so elated.  After class as we put our weights back she stopped me and said, "I just love watching you. You're so athletic!  I follow you during the class to get the steps right." I thanked her and told her she had the most beautiful smile. Again, she gave me such a gift!  Here I have this body that is healthy and strong and moves, and yet I sometimes poke at it and wish it to be different than it is.  It's a wonderful body.  I really am blessed.

One Tibetan master says that each birthday we have should serve as a reminder that we are another year closer to our death and that this should serve as a motivation to practice meditation and compassion....to stop wasting time being selfish and to just let our hearts burst open--in the state they naturally know how to--in love.

xo.